Published in Odyssey Magazine: October/November 2006

Natalia Baker explores the skill of listening from the heart and the miracles of transformation and healing this can bring about.

Events recently occurred which re-directed my attention to listening, actually the art of listening, for indeed it is a skill which becomes an art. As mostly happens, I became aware of listening through several instances of non-listening!

On one occasion I was coming out of a doctor's rooms and came face to face with a cheery, bubbling soul who downloaded her exuberance on the most intimate details of her medical anatomical history, including all the medical costs! I was held captive fro what seemed like 15 minutes in this one sided verbal onslaught. Not once was there a “How are you, Natalia?” I am aware I give the impression of being a mother with an everlasting supply of the milk of human kindness so maybe the fault lies with me.

I thought there was a similarity between her and the old bachelor music master at a school where I once taught. He asked the headmaster's wife how her children were. She described a sorry saga: “The twins are down with whooping cough and it looks as if the eldest is getting it too on top of mumps!” “O I'm so delighted, so pleased” quoth he. After a pregnant silence in the staff room, laughter filled the room. He, like the soul I mentioned, were so locked into their own bubble of self-interest that no-one could penetrate it.

In another incident a group had to make a decision: to do or not to do. All were in agreement with the exception of one. The defensive arguments were one-sided. Suddenly someone said “We are not listening. We need to hear”. There was a pause as the truth of that statement sank in. With real listening we were able to come to resolution. It wasn't just about listening to words. We moved into the heart and listened to another's heart, in fact, the feelings that were in the heart. How often do we ignore the feelings behind the words?

I love the sentence from an old Buddhist text ( I forgot which one): “ All who love are healers of those who need it.” We serve in many ways, including acts and words of kindness and encouragement, holding each other in a positive and constructive light, but one of the most powerful healing tools is through listening with the heart. It is a matter of moving out of the head and into that sacred space.

Many relationships are in jeopardy today in partnerships, families, communities and the work place because people do not listen to each other. It leads to anger, resentment, frustration and a feeling of being unimportant, even irrelevant. How often have you heard the common complaint of Inner Child work that a person was not heard? Decades later they still carry a sense of low self-esteem and lack of confidence because as children they were not acknowledged by this simple act of containment through listening.

My beloved husband was a habitual advice giver, always wanting to “fix” a problem. That is fine for steel engines but not the engine of a relationship, which is the heart. A few times I said to him “I don't need advice, I just need you to listen:. On went his listener's cap and the effect was wonderful. I no longer felt alienated but accepted, understood, happy and peaceful. The problem may not have been resolved but my heart felt eased and healed.

Globally, listening has become an imperative. A couple of years ago a major participant at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland said “ The real problem we have is that everybody is talking and do-one is listening”. In America and other countries major organizations and institutions, including the Global Leadership Forum, are investigating how some of the really tough problems of the world can be resolved without resorting to force. Time and time again, the answer has been simple but not easy. The solution many have come to is that they have to bring about a different form of communication. Instead of just downloading their point of view and perspective leading to endless, fruitless debate, they have introduced what is called a generative dialogue, dialogue which produces results. Whereas the old was closed and unproductive, generative dialogue is open and constructive.

That this method is opening up communication through listening is hardly surprising. There are so many texts on marriage, business management, and negotiation on this topic, including references in old philosophical and religious texts. The Old Testament exhorts us to “Listen ye, to your brother” The Sufis say “The living thing in the heartis love. It may come forth as kindness, friendship, sympathy, listening…”

What amazes me is how this simple shift in how we perform this basic, social action can unlock the most complex and stuck problems in whatever environment they are. True listening literally creates miracles.

It takes openness, true humility and commitment to move out of our comfort zones. For instance, how hard it is sometimes to stretch oneself to hear someone who has a completely different point of view to us. How challenging to open ourselves, lower our defenses and resistances, surrender the feeling that we know better and give up autonomy and control. But this is what the heart can do.

There is a very corny story that contains a kernel of truth. A man wanted to change the world. It didn't work! He then thought he would focus on his country. It didn't work. He was still unsuccessful with his community and finally his family. He then worked on himself. He found the family changed, the community, the country, the world. Perhaps there is sound guidance in this little narrative to those of us who would like to see the world healed and transformed.

Another important aspect of listening with the heart is listening within. In the early days of Findhorn there was much reliance on the information which Eileen Caddy channeled. One day she was inwardly instructed that she was no longer to do this and the group must find their own inner guidance. Initially this led to much debate and heated disagreements until they instituted a simple procedure. When there was disagreement the group would fall silent and listen within. Invariably after a brief period of inner reflection and attunement there would be resolution and agreement.

In a recent article I mentioned that we either live from inside-out to outside-in. Are we listening from the inside-out or the outside-in? The problem from living and listening from the outside-in is that it makes us so stuck. We react, we think in a box, rigidly, not seeing the bigger picture or the truth of any situation, person or experience life presents us.

If I am repeating myself please forgive me but in these crucial times a reminder can be helpful. Living from inside-out makes us strong. Listening to our inner guidance makes us open to the flow of information, more conscious of the subtleties before us. We are no longer “give our energy away” and actually have a choice as how to respond. If we explore this further, it means we stay centered, in balance and alignment, “in the flow” and able to read another person's energies and intentions. We are able to be discerning and appropriate to the situation.

I believe that listening within and without is just a beginning, a training for the purest of dialogue where there is a merging with another, a “we and an us”, an “I and Thou” as Martin Buber would say. This is the expression of oneness which many of us long for.

Finally, on the theme of listening from the heart, there has been a wonderful example in the Dalai Lama. Some year's ago he requested a meeting with American rabbis because he wanted to find out how the Jews had come to terms with exile. The meeting took two years to set up and was fully reported in both a book, The Jew in the Lotus by Roger Kamenetz and the film of the same name. What fascinating accounts. Could thos rabbis talk….whew! And so learned.

What was fascinating was the manner in which the Dalai Lama listened. He never missed a word. His attention was unwavering. It wasn't that he was overly animated or necessarily fascinated by what the speaker was saying. It was that he was completely absorbed and present for the speaker. When someone finished speaking he paused for a moment as though to digest what they had said, and then he would respond point by point. The pause was like an act of respect. How kind to take just a moment to reflect before responding. It is a habit we could valuably cultivate.

In the book, Kamenetz describes how while the Dalai Lama listened he sometimes seemed to draw inwards and his face became quite blank, as though his presence was erased. He was listening and attuning within.

He provides us with a living example of the listening heart, worthy of emulation.